I see you!
Our day was pretty standard. We made it to Boot Camp, then went to a make-up swim class, then went to lunch with Daddy, then home for nap, shower, Elmo, and dinner. Now that I am back in school, our days are getting more routine again, and not in a good way. I really need to focus on some more creative activities to do with Little Buddy and not worry about his next nap or the next chance I will get to work on school stuff.
Over the past two days, when I have been struggling with lack of sleep and a needy toddler, I have caught myself wishing that Little Buddy would just go to sleep and not need Daddy and I to hold him. Then I read something that someone posted that really made me re-evaluate my pity party. The author discussed the joy of relishing those perfect parenting moments, when you just enjoy the closeness of your child, and then she laments how many of these moments will change and fade away in the future.
"I just now understand that in anticipating my son's "firsts," I've
forgotten to appreciate what he's left behind. The firsts are
monumental, celebrated and captured on film. I reveled in Little Dude's
first steps, jotted down his first words and am prepared to save lost
teeth. There isn't a first I haven't recorded in some way. I've paid
less attention to his "lasts." I've ignored the finality that comes with
moving from one stage to another."
Wow. The idea of the "Lasts" really hit me. I remember how distraught I was during Little Buddy's last nursing, because I knew it was the last time. But knowing it was the last time, I took every moment in, had my husband take a picture of us, and committed it to memory. I am not going to get that luxury when I don't know when the last snuggle is. Or the last time my son readily kisses me in public, or runs to me just for the joy of wrapping his arms around me, or begs me to come read him a story.
I'm not going to lie; I'm tearing up right now.
The writer then goes on to discuss how she will feel once her child no longer wants to cuddle before bed:
"I know I will ache to slide next to him on his narrow bed, listen to him breathe and wait for the moment when he surrenders to his dreams. All of the irritations, the inconveniences and the wishing for time alone will seem insignificant in comparison to the warmth and peace of his nighttime routine. It will be too late."
What a different way to view the "struggles" of the last few nights! Those were not a hindrance, they were a privilege, allowing me to be close to my child. There are so few times now when he cuddles me when he sleeps. I remember being so relieved when he finally learned to nap in the crib instead of on my chest, allowing me to get so-called "vital" work done and to stop having the daily knot in my back from laying awkwardly on the couch. I knew I would miss it somewhat, and I have, but even though I often think about sacrificing work one day to let him lay on my chest during his nap, I have never done it. I always talk myself out of it, thinking about how much I need to get done, or how I just need a break. And many days I do. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't make the effort to schedule some snuggle time into my day. Because, truly, in the years ahead, the irritations and inconveniences will seem insignificant to the need for closeness with my little boy.
The "Lasts" will come, that's just how life works. And they will be replaced with new "Firsts," new wonderful things that mark each stage my son goes through. My goal has always been to appreciate Little Buddy at every stage, now I just need to work on relishing every moment.
Night all,
LBM
Little Buddy's Momma
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