Day 137: I Want You to Want Me

Little Buddy had another good day at school!  Still a sad face at drop off, but no reports of tears throughout the day.  Yay!  Unfortunately, it was too hot to go to the park, so we just came home and played.

At one point this afternoon, I was changing Little Buddy's diaper (which I seem to do about every 30 minutes) and realized, with shocking clarity, how big he is now.  He barely fits on his changing table!  Then I realized that I don't think I've ever taken a picture of him on his changing table, which is funny because we send so much time there.

I guess my Little Buddy isn't so little anymore...

"Seriously Momma?  On my changing table?  You do realize this is the equivalent of taking a picture of someone sitting on the toilet, right?"

Although I am looking forward to having a potty-trained child one day (I mean, those cups and cups of water mean that my child is well hydrated and that I am single-handedly keeping Pampers in business, even with cloth diapering part time) I will kind of miss Little Buddy needing me.  It's happened already.  When he weaned from nursing at 14 months, I was in an emotional upheaval.  He did just fine, but I was already missing that connection that he and I had.  He didn't need me as much anymore and that did depress me a bit.

I know that is the point of parenting:  We raise our children to be self-sufficient, so that they don't need us, so that they can go out in the world on their own and be successful.  We want them to have all the tools they need to make it on their own.  And honestly, as much as I love Little Buddy, I really don't want him living in my basement 30 years from now.  So why does it make my heart sad that my precious bundle is becoming more and more independent every day?

Because I love being needed.  I love being an integral part to his day, to his life.  And I am worried that as he grows up and stops "needing" me, I won't be as important to him as he is to me.  As I reflect on this, it occurs to me what I really want is not for Little Buddy to "need" me in his life, but to "want" me in it.  I want more than anything for my son to want to come home and see me, to want to call and talk to me about things, to want to have a strong relationship once he's older.  I want him to want me in his life.

Isn't this what all parents want?  For these amazing kids to grow up and still want us, doddering old fools that we may be by that time, to be around them?  Don't we just want to bask in the glow of their amazingness for as long as we can?  To be as close as we are in their childhood?  We're used to being their confidants, their protectors, their playmates.  But eventually our kids grow up and need us to be something different, to fulfill a different role in their lives.  To compliment their independence, we need to adapt to their independence.  And once they no longer need us, if we've done our jobs right, they will want us and value us and love having us in their lives. 

However, I don't think I am every going to stop needing my Little Buddy.  I don't think any parent ever does.

Goodnight, 

LBM

Little Buddy's Momma