Though I am staying at home with Little Buddy right now, I am also working on a doctorate degree. The program I am a part of was a perfect fit for us: I get to stay home with Little Buddy all day, and on Tuesday evenings I have six hours of classes. It has been a struggle to get all of my reading and assignments done, but it had been workable. Last semester, however, was a bit challenging as Little Buddy was getting more active, but that is when we decided to enroll him in school one day a week. It worked well; he was having fun, being social, and engaging in active learning, and I had one day a week to work on class work and go to doctor appointments without having to have my husband take off his lunch hour to watch Little Buddy.
This semester is already a different story.
Little Buddy is extremely more active now and my classes this semester are ridiculously more reading intensive (we are talking thousands of pages, no exaggeration). I have been working hard, but keeping up and getting enough sleep is difficult. On top of it, this week I had an eye appointment on Wednesday, cutting into my reading time. Ugh. Add that to the fact this weekend we are going to see Sesame Street Live and celebrate Valentine's Day (sitter is already booked!) and I was already flipping out that I was going to fall even more behind before class on Tuesday.
Thankfully, Little Buddy's teachers offer a Mom's Day Out on Friday. They follow the same curriculum that they do at school and the kids have safe environment to interact in and play. I decided to take Little Buddy today for the first time so I could try to keep my head above water.
He was just fine being dropped off, excited to see his friends and teachers and play with (new to him) toys. Me? I had a major mommy guilt attack as I walked back to the car. I was already missing him and our Friday rituals and kept questioning myself: Why couldn't I get my stuff together so I didn't have to have other people watch him? One day of school for socialization and practicality should be enough, why did I need another one? Isn't he my job, my responsibility? Is being in school too much? Do I need to drop out so that I can be a better mom, one who isn't juggling so much extra work?
I'm not going to lie, my eyes got a little moist and I had a quick pity cry.
Then I talked to my husband, who assured me that I was a great mom and that dropping Little Buddy off today so that I could work would mean that I had more time to enjoy our busy weekend without feeling so distracted. He reminded me that this was an unusual situation since we had so much going on this week. It wasn't going to become a regular thing. And that I love school and am doing well and deserve to go. And that I am lucky we have this option so that I don't become overwhelmed with school. And that Little Buddy loves me.
My husband is right. He often is (but don't tell him I said that). ;)
In any case, I got over my pity party, went home, and read the five chapters I need to in order to finish one of the books I had to read. And when I went to pick up Little Buddy, he was having fun but still very happy to see me. The hugs I get from him at pick-up are the best things ever.
Our afternoon was a lot of fun, filled with playing and dancing again. Also, every time I change a poopy diaper, I leave Little Buddy in his room while I go flush the evidence. Lately, every time I come back, he's sitting in his rocker, waiting for me with a giant smile on his face. It is the cutest thing ever, and I finally managed to get a picture of it.
I love him.
So I am sorry if today's post was a little melancholy and introspective, but I think it is important to document what I am feeling during this year of record. I am not hit with these mommy guilt moments often, but they do happen. I promise to have a more fun post tomorrow...we are seeing Elmo in person after all!
Night all,
LBM
Little Buddy's Momma
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